Why do "naggers" get the bad rap? An article in the Wall Street Journal, January 25, 2012 calls "nagging" a marriage killer. The article states, "Marriage counselors warn that nagging is one of the leading causes for discord and divorce." While it seems that the "nagger" is to blame, the journalist of this article, Ms. Bernstein, is able to broaden the focus and takes a look at how both spouses can contribute to a vicious cycle of the "nagger and stone-waller". In my field, we call this a cycle of pursuer/with-drawer. For every nagger there is a with-drawer. As a marriage and family therapist it is important that I help each person learn how they are both victims of their own negative feed-back loop. Identifying the ways they each contribute helps couples break the negative cycle. Ms. Bernstein offers some great tips that include both spouses self-reflecting and working together to break up the feedback loop. So, the next time you are caught up in this cycle, stop, breath, step back and out of the "blame" game and ask yourself, how am I contributing to keeping this cycle going. Taking this first step can go a long way to creating a win-win solution.
